Tuesday, October 03, 2006

DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM DUGAN

I caught some of the CW news tonight after the Veronica Mars premier.

Despite the craziness of congressman Foley's story, or the disturbing Amish shooter's story, the real standout was the sports story. Learning that a Mets' pitcher was injured just before the playoffs, a Yankee fan said, "I hope they lose. That's one less team we'll have to play later." WHAT?

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I know I'm the last guy in the world to read Marvel's Civil War #4 (Marcos buys them and I read them later), but... WHAT?

In case you have a life and don't know what Civil War is, it's a miniseries about a bunch of likeable super friends being replaced by their Mirror Universe doubles. In the first issue, some super villain blew a town up. And people blamed the super heroes. After a week of debate, Congress decided to register all the super heroes, and Iron Man, Reed Richards and Hank Pym decided to beat the shit out of anyone who wouldn't register. In the second issue, Peter Parker came out of the closet and started wearing a Sybian sex toy on his back. In the third issue, the Mirror Universe superheroes fought each other, when Thor showed up and flashed them all. And the story continues...

Things I liked:

Thor's helmet is too big on him at first, but it shrinks to fit in the rain.
No one thinks it's odd when Thor threatens the life of Dagger.
Falcon lost his right iris and pupil! Despite having no depth perception, he was STILL able to fly in and make a big save!
Thor has really bad aim.
The U.S. Agent is wearing Catain America's costume again! Oh, wait. No he's not.
Iron Man meets Captain America for the first time.
Hercules throws a water tower so hard, it bursts into flames!
Goliath does something with a truck!
Then Thor shoots Black Goliath through the chest with a lightning laser force beam! That blows a bloody hole out his back! That's serious lightning control.
The heroes' clothes are all ripped up, but only Dagger has tears in the ass of her pants? Who did that? Radioactive Man?
Falcon says, "We've got to get out of here or we're all going down!" Mr. Wilson knows no one wants a one-eyed man going down.
Then, Thor says, "You ARE all going down." Well, that's just how he likes it, I guess.
The Fantastic Four now wear coasters on their chests. They are the laziest super heroes of them all.
Some rave kid says, "What about our wounded and downed?" Maybe Radioactive Man was tarring and feathering his erstwhile comrades.
Reed Richards never expected Thor to behave strangely, but he gave him a shutdown failsafe code just in case. And just in case Thor wasn't Nazi enough, that shutdown code is Wagner's name and lifespan.
Reed can't tell the difference between Hank Pym and his wife.
The Watcher has downs syndrome!
Hank Pym is now involved in genetics. Branching out, good for him.
Some doctor is shown shoving a VERY long tube up Thor's netherlands!
And Thor's not sure how he feels about it.
Captain America has gone back to his old job, place kicker for the Indianapolis Colts.
Nighthawk can't get anybody to smell his fingers, even though he knows all about the '42 Complex' that no one has explained yet. If I came up with an idea called '42', and my biggest competitor came up with an idea called '52', I'd have a complex too.
Cap knows all about the clonus horror, even though we readers are only just finding out about it ourselves.
Cap is a jerk.
Cable is a nancy boy.
Haven't ALL these guys seen worse threats than this? It's a good thing Thanos isn't around, scooping up Infinity Gems and the Kree and Skrulls aren't at war and Galctus isn't hungering.
WHOAH! Even Cobra's own demolitions and subterfuge specialist, Firefly can't believe his eyes!
I used to date a girl from Goliath's Funeral, New Jersey. Really sweet girl. I wonder what ever happened to her? Nice town, too. Lots of contiguous empty grave plots.
Is Iron Man afraid Black Goliath is going to turn zombie? Is Brother Voodoo working for Captain America's team? Is that why he's chained up?
Some sad mope named Happy puts voice to his own complex. Looking at Black Goliath lying there in a white sheet, he says, "Just a shame we couldn't SHRINK HIM DOWN." Now the KKK will never believe he's white.
Who is Mrs. Sharpe? Mastermind? A Skrull? How does she keep getting so close to Tony? The man's got a 'non-human ATTACK registry' but not a 'bitch-woman MANIPULATING registry'?
Why include the after-effects of Tony's shaving accident?
Who is that guy with the mustache?
Is that Doc Sampson, or did Thor go for a swim before the ph levels balanced?
When did Johnny get out of the hospital?
And why is he letting the Thing do THAT to him in front of some kids?
Is Sue Storm good at anything? What a lousy letter.
Oily-fish dinner? First of all, she uses hyphens like a Scotsman. Secondly, what's an 'oily-fish'? Is it good with hot sauce?
Making love??? What would Mark Gruenwald say? And is it REALLY good for the immune system? Has she been trolling around Warren Ellis' website?
Oh, wait. This is a letter from 'Susan XXX'. That explains everything. Nice swerve, Millar. 'Next-Door Nikki' wrote me a similar note.
Who did Iron Man's side lose? Who did Captain America's side gain? Who is in this book? Did Radioactive Man switch teams AGAIN? That bear, you never know what you're getting with him as a bedfellow.
The Wasp is a real jerk too. First, she thinks clone-Thor is a good idea. Then she thinks even MORE clones would be an even BETTER idea. Then she thinks that the best solution to the rogue-heroes problem is Iron Man's idea to hire Venom, Bullseye, Taskmaster, Killer Shrike, Jack-O-Lantern, Lady Deathstrike and some chick with a bad dye job, trying to protect her throat (Musical Theatre Woman?).

And that's it. There was really nothing NOT to like about this comic. It has everything. Lazy super heroes. Creepy super heroes. Evil super heroes. Cowardly super heroes. Asshole super heroes. Lots and lots of homo-eroticism. Great character swerves. Science. Confusing events disguised as plot points. Wonderful stuff.

I look foward to issue #5. I expect I'll read it sometime in 2007.

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