Monday, August 06, 2007


Drugs. I like drugs. Drugs are fun. I barely ever do them, but I usually have a great time when I do. Why don't I do them more often?

Well, first of all, too many of them get in the way of doing work. Secondly, drugs be expensive. Thirdly, you can only get them through drug people. And that's annoying and inconvenient. That means calling up some dude to find out if he's got shit in stock. Then you have to go over there. Then you have to spend time. And I hate spending time.

When I needed toilet paper on Saturday, I walked down to the corner store and bought some mtoilet paper. The guys who work there always have it in stock. They are open all the hours that I'm awake. And they never make me spend time. I pick out what I want, give them money and leave. But if I want drugs, I've got to go to some dude's house, watch tv with him, go on a drive around town, go clubbing, eat his girlfriend's cooking, discuss Fox News, look at his art, listen to him practice his turntable skillz, listen to the Rolling Stones, do bong hits, stare at his plumber crack, look at a new mole and pretend to like him. So much crap.

When I go to buy toilet paper, I don't have to eat those guy's girlfriend's cooking. I don't have to compliment them on their mastery of a Dave Mathews' song on their guitars. We don't go dancing. And they don't make me split a roll with them.

If buying drugs was more like buying toilet paper, I'd be all over that shit. Except when I don't have money or need to do work.

So, when I found out that there was a psychedelic you could buy online — legally — I jumped all over it. The psychedelic in question is Salvia Divinorum, a Mexican sage. You can buy seeds, leaves and concentrated tincture.

I decided to go for the tincture. Faster than seeds, less stinky than smoked leaves, not as gross as chewing and concentrated for potency. SOLD!

I got my bottle quite a while ago, but was waiting for the perfect time to use it. Last night seemed like it qualified, according to my arbitrary rationales.

There are a lot of warnings associated with the tincture. First, you should have someone with you to make sure you don't hurt yourself. That sounded a bit extreme. If this shit was that good, I didn't want anyone watching me go off my nob. Also, it sounded overly precautious. Like bicycle helmets. Another warning is that the grain alcohol content in the tinture isn't enough to get you drunk, but is enough to burn your mouth. They reccomend diluting with hot water to avoid that. I figured I would do that for the first time and lessen the water for subsequent doses as i saw fit. They also tell you to stay away from shit because you will lose muscle control. So, I figured I'd do it in my room.

So, lights out. Sounds off. Tincture in a shot glass and hot water ready to be added. Everything was set so a mind-blowing experience.

I added the water, swallowed my excess saliva and tossed the mix in my mouth.

HOLY SHIT!!! My mouth went up in flames! You know when you're a kid and you can't wait to drink the hot chocolate so you start drinking it even though your mom told you to wait until it cooled down a bit? I fucking burned like that! OUCH!

The next step is swirling this napalm in your mouth a bit and then letting it settle under your tongue. I went with a stronger dosage, so that's about half a shot I'm trying to hold under my tongue for 15 MINUTES. 15 minutes is a long-ass time to not swallow and hold something under your tongue. Especially when it is removing layers of your gum line. Even without the psychoactive effects, it's as close as a person should get to experiencing what it must be like to be Ditko's Eternity.

The salvia started taking affect about ten minutes in. It was pretty localized to my lower jaw and resembled an economy-sized dosage of novacaine. Stretchy jaw, expandy jaw, numb lips.

After 15 minutes, I finally swallowed and settled in for what I was sure was going to be my brain exploding.

It's all supposed to start going nuts 4-8 minutes after the initial dose is ingested. Then it gets stronger for 5-10 minutes, then it plateaus for 20-30 minutes and finally tapers off for the next 90-120 minutes. Or, so it says in the literature.

After lying in bed for ten minutes, I started getting bored. Then I started getting som closed-eye visuals and movement. But it was all peripheral. I had to really push any sort of sensation with my brain really hard and it all stayed just around the edges of perception.

My mind did not explode. There were no fifth-dimensional machine elves. I didn't communicate with the dead. No time travel was experienced. Push-Paw and Frank didn't lead me into the realm of the frog king. I could just barely push red cubes down a tunnel along the skull Embarcadero. And it wasn't even that cool.

Nothing was happening involunarily. When I stopped working really hard, shit just turned into me lying in bed in the dark. So, I tried conjuring images. This was interesting, mainly because i couldn't figure out how to do it. The drug had actually performed a complete shutdown of my already limited imagination. I had nothing.

I decided to take another, smaller dose. 15 more minutes of BURN. Then ten more minutes of nothing.

So, I got pretty bored and walked out of my bedroom and hoped some external stimulous might help. A little Joy Division, maybe? A little Disintigration?

Okay. I got a little out of that. Gothy dance music is always good for drugs. I got a little of the herky jerk you get in the early stages of shrooms. Then nothing. I was getting little bursts, but nothing that lasted longer than a chorus.

After a little longer with nothing, I decided to screw this and sit down to draw. This got kinda cool, and pretty soon I was drawing with my whole body on the table and my face pressed up above the board. When I couldn't even hold the pencil anymore, I went to sit on the couch. Surely, THIS was the begining of something fun.

Then it went away. Maybe writing/drawing helped activate it. I grabbed a pen and a legal pad and decided to write until I could feel it again. I got about one sentence in before I was trying to write behind my back. YES! Here it comes!

Then it passed. So, I went to draw something else, but I got bored. Then I grabbed the Comics Journal Special featuring Jim Woodring. But I got bored. I tried to dance a bit. But I got bored. I just sat for a bit, but that got boring. I tried to write again, but I got bored. I was getting really and truly physically bored with everything. This was more like depression than a wild mind fuck.

Then, after 20 minutes, I got really bored and watched that Threshold dvd. Then I almost shot myself in the head.

For the remaining hours and most of the day today, I was a bit more uncoordinated than usual. Like a hangover without the headache. And my eyes were really dry.

Overall, this could only be classified as a major disapointment. I've tripped in the past, and while I never had that 'I'm an orange that must be peeled' moment they told us about in that movie in Junior High, I usually have a great time and get some nice surreal experiences. This just made me bored and aware of what it would be like to have your body be exhausted while your brain just hangs out waiting for Godot.

There's a staggered approach to taking the tincture I might try in the future. Not holding the shit in my mouth for 15 minutes is appealing. And it supposedly increases the duration of the experience. And I'll probably up the dosage to the reccomended maximum (or a bit higher). I don't know. I'll wait until my mouth heals.


Blogger Marcos Perez said...

man what shit!

i bet it would of worked if you bought it from some guy while clubbing.

this was long, but a better read than threshold. i made it half way thru that one.

11:37 AM  
Blogger Justin J. Fox said...

Ye, rntin rom wor i no oo.

Neiter i typin rom my ptop were te mie row o ey i ti miin.

11:56 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

eXTReMe Tracker