Thursday, December 31, 2009

THIS USED TO BE THE FUTURE (20-01)



When you read this it will probably be next decasde. Good on you. I hope you celebrated in style, whether this was a good year an good decade a good century or bad on all three.

Tonight, we're drinking one part Johnny Walker, juice of half a lemon, 1 tablespoon on sugar, about one part orange juice, a dash of angustura, a couple drops of grenadine, in a tumbler with ice garnished witha cherry and a slice of orance. Go out decade, go out like a lion.

20. T.I. feat. Rihanna — Live Your Life

I'm kind of surprised how much I loved both T.I. and Rihanna at the end of the decade. I think the robogirl and one of the two best southern rappers pretty much combined for a cheesy, uinneccessary sloganeerining that I need to type to one-handede, cause I am lifting my glass to it. This was the most im,portant lesson of theis decade, and this cot to be the closing credits.

19. Modest Mouse — Dark Center of the Universe
I'm not evcen sure what the best Modest Mouse song of the decade is supposed to be, but when that basstomtom combo rumbles in, I'm once again in that cosmic cspace War of Kings on the prairie Drax in Alaska major tom wth the quantum bands And then: I'm sure anyone can equally, easily fuck you over. m They make guitars sound like that and when this hits you in the headphones or across the room blaring from speakers or destroying Irving Plaza or alone with the alien, nothing else matters. Hold onto this, because again, they will easily fuck you over.

18. Aesop Rock — None Shall pass
i didn't know it was uncoil to like Ae, i knew it certainly wasn' cool, but I had no idea it was uncool. Fuckit buttanut nerdarhymesling . The sooper simple house beat, the ridiculous rhyme structure. You can't play this too loud and listening to him rhyme is like being five anfd watching your dad do something impossible. That's he guy you want to be. I am trying to help.

17. T.I. — What You Know
I seriousy thought that kanye or Jay Z would dominate the top of my hiphop lists, but here's T.I. in again double douce couce to the dome in the top twenty. I ddind'y like the TI TIP albuym. I didn't even like Rubberband man. But THIS album, playing out of evey car every storefront on one seroouisly hot summer this was the last grewasat anthem of the New York streets one of those summers you wonder if this id the last New York summer. it wasn't the last one, but it felt like it. Shit this might all be VALIS. Maybe it was the last summer. The red king is beaming some light in my eyes. What do i know.

16. M.I.A. — Paper Planes
Man, sometimes you know someone. Someotimes you know them and they put you in a place and no one knew that place wasn't any good. But then this comes on the bar and it was just before this came on every bar and this came on and i had a place to go. i remembered i was a hustler making my fame and where i was didn't matter and the people who didn't know mr didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was, no one else could listen to this song when they heard it, and i rememebred that i could be the little shit, because that's who you gotta be sometimes to get your little pieve.

15. Kylie Minogue — Can't Get You Out of My Head
maybe your life isn't my life, but i don't know. There are momen'ts. That time you finally meet people in school or online or whaever and someone says something about whatever. Masturcation. Nonone really talked aboutit. We koked. We insulted. But we never sat arounf the floor and talked boys and girls anbout this thing we all did and needed that release that amazing release that comes when you talk about something taboo. i was taslking to Willie one night at the old Blind Tiger anfd theis came on and he said, "I dont care what you thik, I can't get this out of my head. The song is what is it says it is. It's fucking 2001. The movie is the monolith. The song is something you can't get out of your head. Contemplating the movie makes us evolve. Getting this into your head means you can't fget this out of your head.

14. Missy Eliot — Get Your Freak On
HOLLA! This is a great song. but that's the motherfucking turing point. Get your freak on. Its a call to action. Did i say this already? It's a call to action. This si the marching orders. This is Patton this is the vital fluids I think we'd all see oursleves tewn years ago staring at us across the devoid and we would see the aliens we had become. We had to get some freak on and then we came back with evil goatees and we couldn't touch ourselves cause the uinivesres might explode.

13. Rihanna — Shut Up and Drive
This migth surprise you, but i don't go to a lot of clubs where they play the latestyed r&b and dance songs, so i was a little behind on Rihanna (oy! there's a visual i'll take into the next decade). I don't talk a lot during it, but i love smotth limosene rides anyway. This song is fantasy wish fulfilment. You know that if you close your eyes hard enough, you might acrully have her yell at you like Gianna Michaels and tell you to get your fucing act together, man up, stick a bayonet on it if necessary and get to fucking work. infrastructure motherfucker.

12. Talib Kweli — Get By
You know the scene when Cutty goes out and runs through baltimore and he sees all the stories and he's lisneing to some Curtis? This is our morning somng. I don't jog anymore, but someotimes i gotta get somewhere in the morning and sometimes it doesn't sound even remotely worthwhile. Sometimes you just need to get by.

11. Ghostface Killa — Apollo Kids
Maybe some of the best words ever spit (the Raekwon lines are great too, but already). I think this was the trick Nick pulled once:

Yo, check these up top murderous
Snowy in the bezzle as the cloud merges
F.B.I. try and want word with this
Kid who punked out bust a shot uip in the beacon
Catch me in the corner not speakin
Crushed out heavenly, U.G. rock the sweet daddy long fox minks
Chicken and brocolli, Wally's look stinky
With his man straight from Raleigh Durham, he recognized Kojak
I slapped him five, Masta Killa cracked his tiny form
E'rybody break bread, huddle around
Guzzle that, I'm about to throw a hand in your bag
Since the face been revealed, game got real
Radio been gassin niggaz, my impostors scream they ill
I'm the inventor, '86 rhymin at the center
Debut '93 LP told you to Enter
Punk faggot niggaz stealin my light
Crawl up in the bed with grandma,
beneath the La-Z-Boy where ya hid ya knife
Ghost is back, stretch Cadillacs, fruit cocktails
Hit the shells at Paul's Pastry Rack
Walk with me like Dorothy tried to judge these
plush degrees, said the cow, wrap the fees
Gettin waxed all through the drive-thru
Take the stand, throw my hand all on the Bible
and tell lies too, I'm the ultimate
splash the Wolverine Razor Sharp ring, Dolomite
student in role holdin it

[Chorus: Ghostface]
Aiyyo, this rappin's like Ziti, facin me real TV
Crash at high-speeds, strawberry, kiwi
As we approach, yo herb, the Gods bail
These Staten Island ferryboat cats bail
Fresh cellies, 50 thief up in the city
We banned for life, Apollo kids live to spit the real

[Ghostface]
A pair of bright phat yellow Air Max
Hit the racks, stack 'em up Son, $20 off no tax
Street merchant tucked in the cloud, stay splurgin
Rock a eagle head, 6-inch height was the bird
Monday night Dallas verse Jets, dudes slid in with one hand
Two culture-ciphers, one bag of wet
Heavy rain fucked my kicks up
Wasn't lookin, splashed in the puddle
Bitch laughin, first thought was beat the bitch up
Mossied off gracefully, New York's most wanted tee-ball hawk
Seen the yellow brick road, lust of pastries
Same Ghostface, holy in the mind
Last scene: Manhatten Chase
We drew the six-eight digit in the briefcase
Rawness, title is Hell-bound
Quick to reload around faces, surround look astound


DISCUSS.


And now it's time for a breakdown. Man, I know my decade wasn't your decade, but i hope someone gets something out of my sums. Maybe you see a little bit of you reflected in the glint of an i or the cross of a t. I will say there are things i left out. I didn't inclufde anything by people i know personally (although that's not why i left out Bjork and Moby ah, i think those tales of nothingness might end tonight, finally). A lot of songs that mean the most to me are songs i can't tell you about because i'm not sure how to help you hear them. I think Blogger is supposed to give me more capapabilitiesm, but the new functions don't work for me, so i'm stuck eith the old, but if i could i still souldn't because obviously,m the music the meant the most to me was the music of the Suave Prospects.

I guess you can go here. I'd listen to The Body Malone. I don't know who maintains our myspace these day... if anyone does... but it hasn't been maitained in forever. I don't know. Whatever.

Top 10:

10. Estelle — American Boy — feat. Kanye West
So, i like the idea of being somoene's boy, and Estelle sounds like i's like that, and i'm American, and i always prefer girls coming to me going. And i think these girls are more international than me. At some point i became domestic. I'm not sure how i let that slip. But You gotta accept. Embrace. And become moreso. Plus Kanye! i have no patiences for anti-Kanye sentiment. Just like I have no patience for the hatred of clowns. I probably have no patience for you, either. Fucking Taylor Swift. Fuck that fake Roswel looking girl with her fake video about a fake sentiment and her fake song that lies to girls. Fuck that shit. No one shoulda let her finish. Anyway, this is fantastic. A lot of livingroom dancing went to this song. A lot of bad dancing on my part, but it was real, and this about something real and real bad dancing to a real great song will always be better than fake dancing to a fake song sung by some fake person. Seriously though, this is some joyous shit, but people been needin gettin a yelling at. Enjoy the fucking joy motherfuckers and stop ruining shit!

09. Moderat — A New Error
The song of the last year of the first decade of the seventh sun of the seventh son and the house of the rising sons. It's supposed to be a blue moon tonight. An articalle i read claimed people standing in Times Square would be able to see the second full moon of the month. People in Times Square. Apparently New York can't afford blinding light plution this year. Calafiore! Can you see the blue moon?! This is the song of the year for me. I think there's actually one song from 2009 ahead of this, but that song is like time travel. This was this year. Best techno song of the decade, that circular rythm and the timelapse streaming headlights along the jughandle this is getting from here to there. This is the journey. This is rain and snow and wind and walking and running and taxis and the subway and hands and bodys and this is her eyes at the right moment looking over a glass a straw still barely in her mouth this is getting there as quickly as possible and shirts flying across the living room and laughing this is the world moving faster than you and then you stopping for a second before you overtake the world. I ran faster than anyone i knew this year. I was running for more than six months and I've only stopped now to read this shit. I experienced relativity in all it's metaphors and I got closer to the speed of light than anyone should dare.

08. Burial — Archangel
i went off on this one in a future blogpost former message board post. So I won't talk about alternate realities or the park or drinking of alternate Earths or anything like that. Tonight, this song isn't split between realities. i can crab this baby like i sometimes can. it's one seemless. if someone advertised the night I dream of having this is the jingle. This is my hype willaims and terry gilliam directed at the loungean everyone is there. Gin and juice.

07. The Fucking National — Mistaken for Strangers
They didn't play this the day we saw them. You knew immediately that they didn't play irt. YOu knoew this was the one. The one where Joy Division and leonard Cohen mumbly bojangles finally merged with morphin and made a nearly perfet song. Two ships passing in the night. You get mistaken for strangers by your own friends. Who are you? This was the refrain soe people kept asking me and i kept asking myself. Who are you? We asked it at different times. The stranger they didn't recognize was usually me, the stranger they thought we me to a t was the one i didn't know.

06. Radiohead — National Anthem
Running home to stream Kid A a week before it came out. I made that apartment dark. This was a band every album was better than the last. I didn't know it, but this would be the last time this was true. this was the tip of the bell curve. Who knew we were on an iceberg when that goddam ship hit us. Anyway, this shit freaked me out and then this bass kicked my ass. It kicked my ass through the couch in my dark living rooomm alone. it's build and build forever. Somoene sadi Americans like are fucking crescendo and welll: National Anthem. This shit crescendos you before it turns to entropy of horns like Bill Pulman in Lost Highway when aabatebjsajdzhcdnbcdbjcdbjxzbjkbn HORNS! I mean, it even underminse eveything. He startes singing and your all lilke maybe that was the decrescendo but then... And to see this live with full horn section. Statue of Liberty glowing behind them in Jerset City a walk to see radiohead play the national anthem in front of the stustue af libery. Shoulda called the album Fuckin A.

05. The Antlers — Two
So. I went to see the Antlers play a couple weeks ago. One of the est concerts I've been to, even if every single one of you bailed on me. I found some Russian-lookin guy from Chicago. I found a gorgeous black girl. I found her Clark Kent boyfrined. He rubbed my shoulders while I wep-t. The whole show was am,azing. but this song. I could not stop crying. I have never cried at any concert ever. I went to a show where i stole a g string. And I went to a show where i almost hooked up with Donna A but then knocked a table of drinks on her instead. I went t o s a show and a girl plated my body like drums. And I went t o a show now where I cried. I wept. I was beautilful.

This song. This came out this year, but it's not the song of the year. It's the song of 2005. This album. This band. This guy. He makes an album called Hospice for fuck'se sake. Let's do a whole album about dying alone and with someone else. Songs about watching everyone else watching you die. All the shit of death. Children dying. The thing about that buffy episode? The body? Where it captures all the not tv cliche shit and instead is all about the boredom and the stupidity and the pitiful sight and experience of death. Nothing is stupider than fucking death. It's the fucking stupidest thing in the world. Anyone who reduces the stupidity of death to righteousness or justifyablenss or cleverness or shallowness doesn't undestand the stupid fucking joke of death. It's nonsense. It's pointless. It's worthless. It's the worst thing in the fucking world. I'm tired of dying. I'm tired of being alone. I guess I'm glad I remember you when i don't know why I'm putting up with stupid shit. And maybe losing you reminds me not to stop. That life is more important than existing. But then: that's the joke again. Why lose something great just to remember that things should be better? Nothing i do will ever make up for it, but i might not have tried so hard if I hadn't. But then, soemtimes too I shut down when i should be moving faster. The joke. The fucking joke. No one believed you. We thought that you were lying. That was four months before you died. I guess I'm glad we went skinny dipping after your wake. The joke needs a punchline. Fucking death. Fuck you.

04. Lady Gaga — Just Dance
Just dance. Just do it. L:isten. We hav a lot of work to do. A lot. Why diid I answer the phone. ? Well, I guess I can end the year listening to my mom tell me how good the fourth Die Hard movie is! Where was I? Just dance. Just do it. We havve a lot of work to do. A ot. But right now. Right this minute. What are you going to do? Just dance. Like get yr Freak on, its the call of action, unlike it, you can do it too. And i like doing it together.

03. R. Kelly — Ignition (Remix)
Have you heard the non-remix? Why does that even exista assa song/ Man. Serious. So this was the song that broke the walls of Jericho (prodiy warning1). This made me stop being so goddam 90s. We were so fucking serious. Andy's big bit about this decade was his transformation from that guy to the guy that finally embraced it. Embrace it. Kells! I could not deny this song. This was a fat girl after a bad break up. Thgis is just one drink come on! This is that girl who will never go out with you but wants a drawing. You can not say no. TYOu can nnot. No one can say no. This is almost as close to a perfect song as you can get this decade witout being the two songs better than this. But on top of theat, i want to bring up two things:

first of all: We got food everywhere as if the party was catered.

That's wonderful bad writing. Possibly the greatest bad writing of the decade.

second: after the after party we got the hotel lobby

For the second half of this decade, Me Mike Marcos Bruce and peter and whoever else we have hosted the Hotel lobby after after party at SPX. These are macig nights adn the only thing missing is Kells. Kells! Come to SPX!@ We'll make a comic together! We'll have watersports! We'll drink! Dave NP will be there! Maybe Jordan! Maybe the Spanish Antonio Banderas Randy Chang! Maybe Kenny! Kelly and Kenny! Together again for the first time! Welcome to SPX, R Kelly, hope you enjoy the saty!

02. Missy Eliot – Work It
This almost is the most perfect song of the decade. There are more hit songs in this song than there are in fifty hit songs. Every line could be the best hook in the greatest hits of forever and they're all squeezed together like charmin. Don't squeeze it? Don't listen to that old man. Squeeze that shizzle. Squeeze the Missy. Put your thing dowon and reverse it. Again, I railed on this alread and i don't know how much more i have to say, but damn. Damn. Every bit of this song is science. And not the boring science the science that makes a race of Ape men that take ove rht e world that kind of science. Godzilla ascience. kaiju sex music. Go badunkadunkdunk. If you got a big whoooo1 Last thing. one of my dad'
s favorite bits is sticking his finger out the open fly of his pants and making elephant noises while faking erections. That's in my chromosomes. missy wrote this song for me. Now i gotta write a song for her. She deserves is.

I'm out f drink! 17 minutes to go!!!! Beaujolais, yopu're my only hope.

01. Beyonce — Crazy in Love
So, this I knew was the song of the decade for a long time. My only fear was being sick of it i;'ve loved it so much so long. One time.

I forgot to get champagne! Actually. I forgot to get prosecco! The smart man's champagne. Beougolais, what wil you do for me. Beyonce what will you do for me? Jay Z what will you do for me? New year what will you do for me? Decade what will yuou do for me? Ladies what will you do for me? Al;l the fellas what will you do for me? Comics what will you do for me? Friends what will you do for me? Countrymen what will you do for me? lately what will you do for me. Play the song. We're running out f decade!!!!!!!!!

Oh, it's my girl, B. and my boy, Hov.

Dentist Elbows. Ranch-filled Hot Dogs. my friends. The best friends anyone has ever had. it's not always the easiest ride, it's not always the driver in the drivers' seat. We were fantastic. The documents of our passing will be legend. We will love hard. Friends. Lovers. Passers by. We will love hard. We are crazy in love with each other only one time. The time that lasts as long as we are together. Our love makes us crazy. our crazy is what keeps us together. its the good kind. the great kind. the I just walken in this joint and made it epic kind. We are in love. Fucking embrace that shit. love hard, die dutch.

I want to grab a hold of all you motherfuckers.

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