THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMEL TOE

I forgot I read Civil War!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

oh, where was I?

Okay, I admit I paid cash dollar for Infinite Crisis. I admit I enjoyed it. It was nonsensical. The art was haphazard at best. It required reading (or reading about) eight gabazamillion other DC comics from the past 20 years, a photographic memory of Who's Who and a knowlege/interest in Who's Next. It was slam-bang crizzy. It was a lot like the first Crisis. I think it helped that I was NEVER a DC-fanboy. DC sucked when I was a kid. Even if they didn't suck, they sucked to my kid sensibilities. So none of all this mattered and the kid in me was just thrilled to see so many superheroes in one book, it didn't matter if I could understand what the heck they were up to—it probably helped that I couldn't.

I was a BIG Marvel fanboy. I loved those crazy characters. I knew those crazy characters inside out. I could tell if it was Diamondback talking off-panel. Seriously. I think I did that one time. So, it always pains me to read Marvel comics written these days.

Marcos told me upfront: "It's the complete opposite of Infinite Crisis. It makes sense, but it's boring." Oh boy. Super heroes that make sense AND are boring? That seems to understand their appeal.

Of course, it only makes sense if you don't remember these characters. Anyway, it was actually fun, but the real fun is in pointing out how bad it is. It's easier to do that with CW than IC, because you can actually tell what's going on. Let's see:

Wait. I don't know who "Microbe" is, but he's pretty cool. Fat guy who disintigrates metal with micro-organisms? I'm in! Okay, on to the making fun:

Why is Speedball in charge of the New Warriors? Night Thrasher's right there. Shouldn't he be in charge? Why is Namorita blue? Why are the no-mark villains out of their league? Wait — Speedball vs. Speed Freak! Yes!

Nitro does something that is supposed to make us realize that the New Warriors are untrained (uhh... wasn't Night Trasher's whole THING training? and where's his skateboard?) but is really the sort of thing super villains should be doing all the time. Seriously, is registration/government training going to make super heroes develop the mysterious power to not have villains think to to exactly what villains should be doing anyway?

BAM! 2-page spread. The X-Men, Avengers and Fantastic Four show up to clean up Nitro's mess. Black Goliath and Falcon also show up. Apparently, not being invited to another of these shindigs was the straw that broke the camel's back for the black heroes. Actually, I'm not sure Falcon is even there since he seems to have been cut and pasted in from somewhere else. Catain America and Iron Man, surrounded by 900 dead children, stand around being all proud they never invited the New Warriors into the Avengers.

There's some business about firemen liking mutants and mothers being scared of them.

There's a memorial with a priest who calls super heroes fools, then a woman spits on Tony Stark and then the Human Torch gets the crap beat out of him for being a VIP at a club before he can make it to the champagne room.

Then all the usaul super heroes meet up in someone's apartment. Like the Young Avengers? And the Black Cat? And Shiny Spider-Man. Thanks for making it new-reader friendly, Marvel!

Man, even the Invisible Woman didn't read her comp copy of Civil War #1, because she's forgotten that her brother just got the living snot stomped out of him because everyone knew his name! Somebody says super hero registration is the only way to prevent super villains. What? Falcon, still recovering from being cut-and pasted earlier, strains every vein and tendon in his neck to say, "But masks are a tradition, bro." Hey, Nighthawk! Boy, did he pick the wrong day to quit not showing up in comics. The Thing complains that Wolverine is scary. Dr. Strange cares about the proposed legislation! Does anyone understand these characters? Check it out! Daredevil broke out of jail just to tell us that his extra weight is the straw that breaks the floor.

Captain America versus not-Nick Fury and her SHIELD stormtoopers! Cap, gets all ideological and refuses to arrest super heroes who won't comply with a non-existant law for people with potty mouths. Potty mouth, the phrase that broke my back. Then he jumps on a fighter jet flying in midair! Get Ron Lim, stat!

President Bush! "Laugh it up, Mr. Secretary. This is serious business and an issue of nuanced complexity." You tell him, obvious Skrull impostor! I forgot about Larry King! He appears AND is name-checked in the accompanying editorial. Larry breaks straw with She-Hulk's cameltoe.

The Watcher shows up to show us how important it all is. Only the third time Congress has altered reality itself, it seems.

Who will stop rogue Captain America and his symbolizing self in order to protect the integrity of Senate Bill S-1929475382? None other than Iron Man (my personality is that I talk about things like I'm at an AA meeting), Yellow Jacket (I miss my red jump suit, Hank Pym) and EVIL Reed Richards. Seriously. Check that guy out. That's the most evil Reed Richards ever. I like the fact that Iron Man and Richards conveniently forget that the only reason they ever have problems is because people know who they are. And YELLOW JACKET? Oh no! Yellow Jacket's comin' to get me! And he broke my camel's back! With straw!

This is awesome! I can't wait for more. Marcos was wrong. It makes sense, but it really shouldn't. It was boring, but really fun. Really. It was fun in a back-braking by way of straw sort of way. Poor Camel-Man.