HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMERICA!
Have a repost from last year! Hey, I never promised you a rose garden.
Here's a candle for each of your 50 states. Districts, Protectorates, Embassadorial Properties, Military Bases, Prisons, Territories and Occupied Lands do not count. The songs are listed in their state's order of entry into the union.
1. DELAWARE — PERRY CUOMO
What did Delaware? She wore a brand New Jersey. Why did California? She called to say Hawaii. This song is like a mission statement. Thanks, Delaware, for having no other distinguishing features worth singing about!
2. PENNSYLVANIA 6-5000 — THE ANDREWS SISTERS
The album art you get on itunes for The Andrews Sisters' Greatest Hits of the 20th Century album is three flames in the shape of women dancing. They also have the sexiest harmonies ever put to record. Pennsylvania, you don't deserve so good. But I can't quit you.
3. I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU — BON JOVI
As Sean Connery said, "They named the album New Jersey."
4. GEORGIA ON MY MIND — RAY CHARLES
No one can deny this choice, even those who say it's too obvious.
5. TIME TO PRETEND — MGMT
Well, they're from Connecticut. Also, this song is all about how these guys know they're cunts from Connecticut. Also, it's quite enjoyable. And, hey, Georgia on Mind! Right?
6. MORE THAN A FEELING — BOSTON
Do the classic rock stations still do "Top 500 Songs to Keep Your Dad Happy" marathons? Are there still classic rock stations?
7. HOLD ME! SQUEEZE ME! — THE ORIOLES
They invented Doo Wop, apparently. They are named after Maryland's state bird. This song is fun.
8. LIVING IN AMERICA — JAMES BROWN
I almost made Virgina's entry "James Brown is Dead." But this song is awesome, is a 4th of July staple, and it's the theme song to Rocky IV. This song will break you.
9. NEW HAMPSHIRE — SONIC YOUTH
I wish Sonic Nurse wasn't SY's 800-millionth album, because I bet I would listen to it more. Um... they made a song called New Hampshire. You're welcome.
10. VIRGINIA PLAIN — ROXY MUSIC
You can't not like this song. I love this song.
11. FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK — THE POGUES
Disclaimer: I heard this song was banned by the BBC because it contains one of the most offensive words ever — faggart. Also, this is really a Christmas song, I guess. I don't care about either issue.
12. JESSE DON'T LIKE IT — LOUDON WAINWRIGHT III
I decided against SY's Chapel Hill to avoid to much repetition. I thought I had a song called "Piss Christ," but I guess I don't. This song is about North Carolina's favorite son. And the 80s just took another step toward death.
13. 13 MONSTERS — LIGHTNING BOLT
How fucking appropriate is that. Brian Chippendale's band from RID's FORT THUNDER.
14. MOONLIGHT ON VERMONT — CAPTAIN BEEFHEART
Uh... it has Vermont in the title! I don't know. I don't even like Captain Beefheart that much. But it's Vermont. What're you gonna do?
15. KENTUCKY COCKTAIL — PAVEMENT
I own three songs with Kentucky in the title. This one is by Pavement. It wins.
16. RING OF FIRE — JOHNNY CASH
I had to pick a Cash song for Tennessee. I picked this one.
17. HERE TO GO — DEVO
I thought about giving this slot to Modest Mouse's Ohio. I really did. But DEVO! I also considered using Freedom of Choice for the obviousness of it, but Here to Go is my favorite Devo song. And they're all about America.
18. WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN — LOUIS ARMSTRONG
Yup.
19. DON'T STOP TILL YOU GET ENOUGH — MICHAEL JACKSON
Did you know Michael Jackson was from Gary, Indiana? Man, that doesn't even sound close to correct.
20. MISSISSIPPI QUEEN — MOUNTAIN
Duh-nuh-nuh-NUH! Duh-nuh-nuh-NUH!
21. WE DON'T CARE — KANYE WEST
You know, this is still my favorite Kanye song. So there.
22. SWEET HOME ALABAMA — LYNARD SKYNARD
I debated using Neil Young's far superior Alabama that sparked this song. But then I said, "FUCK CANADA!" And then the dogs downstairs started barking. They must be Canadian dogs. Do they make dogs in Canada? Stupid terrorists.
23. SWEET AUGUSTA DARLIN' — VINCE GILL
I really hope Gill is singing about a girl from Augusta, 'cause this one's for Maine!
24. ST. LOUIS BLUES — EARTHA KITT
I own three versions of this song I probably couldn't identify in a Special Olympics round of Wheel of Fortune. I picked the one sang by Catwoman. THE Catwoman.
25. MARY QUEEN OF ARKANSAS — BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
New Jersey, New York, Nebraska, Arkansas — he's like a one-man Texarkana...esee.
26. SIR DUKE — STEVIE WONDER
Motherfinger, I love this song. Michigan!
27. SWEET DREAMS — MARILYN MANSON
When I started making this list, Modest Mouse's Florida occupied the Florida spot. Then I remembered that Marilyn Manson is from Florida. I love this cover and I don't care what you think, pops!
28. LUCKENBACH, TEXAS (BACK TO THE BASICS OF LOVE) — WAYLON JENNINGS & WILLIE NELSON
I had a rule that I wouldn't repeat any musicians on this list. Then Willie Nelson broke that rule. Twice. But this is really a Waylon Jennings song, right?
29. (515) — SLIPKNOT
I have a bunch of Slipknot albums back from when I was feeling old and trying to get into what the kids were all into. This is the shortest song on an album called Iowa. There really weren't a lot of choices outside of this album. Iowa, wow.
30. ADD-IT-UP — VIOLENT FEMMES
Hey, Iowa! Wisconsin made you look bad 24 years ago! Come on! Make some sweet corn-husk music or something!
31. CALIFORNIA LOVE — DR. DRE & 2PAC
You know, sometimes I forget Dr. Dre is a fuckin' California state treasure. He calls his state untouchable like Elliot Ness. Then he makes rhymes about Liberace AND Sassoon jeans. This is all while outshining one of the greatest MCs ever. They should build a gold statue of Dre holding a key to California in the City of Compton.
32. SEXY M.F. — PRINCE
This wasn't my favorite Prince song until it provided the soundtrack for a stay in Florida. Now it will represent Minnesota.
33. LITTLE BABIES — SLEATER-KINNEY
I always forget the title of this song, but I love it. Oregon!
34. CARRY ON WAYWARD SON — KANSAS
The song that got me thinking I could make a list with one song representing each state. I was stretching the idea even before i had it!
35. THIRTY FIVE — KARMA TO BURN
This is a post-metal band from West Virginia. I never heard of them before tonight. They're interesting. It actually sounds exactly like what Appalachian Post Metal would sound like. Hillbilly Instrumental Metal. I chose this song entirely because it was titled Thirty Five.
36. PRETTY VEGAS — INXS
I voted for this guy online after hearing this song. I never thought I would vote online for a replacement for Michael Hutchence cast from a reality tv show. There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don't even know where to begin.
37. FLAMES OVER NEBRASKA — PERE UBU
I was trying really hard not to use the same musicians twice. Really hard. Still, this is a pretty good Pere Ubu song.
38. DENVER — WILLIE NELSON
And then I threw the baby out to get at that good bathwater. This song is 53 seconds long. Willie Nelson was like the Napalm Death of Outlaw Country.
39. NORTH DAKOTA — LYLE LOVETT
I actually think of Lyle Lovett first as an bit actor, then as Cindy Crawford's husband and THEN as a singer. This is the first of his songs I've ever owned.
40. RAPID CITY, SOUTH DAKOTA — KINKY FRIEDMAN
This is from a recorded live set that was banned from tv in the seventies. I guess i need to learn more about Kinky Friedman.
41. MEDLEY: BLUE ROCK MONTANA/RED-HEADED STRANGER — WILLIE NELSON
I like Willie a lot, but I wouldn't have broken the rules if Colorado and Montana could get some state music. Just make a song about mountains and call it Denver Tits or write an ode to ranching and call it Capital of Montana. See? This is easy.
42. ABOUT A GIRL — NIRVANA
Or, you ncould make music and just BE from the damn state.
43. PRIVATE IDAHO — B-52s
OH! Or you could get the B-52s to make a song about your state. I'm sure they like money. I could've used Built to Spill here as well.
44. SONG OF WYOMING — JOHN DENVER
I wanted to use Denver for New Mexico (he was born IN ROSWELL!!!!), but Wyoming needed him more.
45. SALT LAKE CITY — THE BEACH BOYS
The Beach Boys were responsible for some of the best songs ever. They also wrote a song about Disneyland. And a song about Salt Lake City, Utah.
46. PSYCHIATRIC EXPLORATIONS OF THE FETUS WITH NEEDLES — FLAMING LIPS
Oklahoma! Sooners! Okies! If there's an awesome hell down below, at least three of you are all gonna go!
47. SANTA FE — LIGHTNIN' HOPKINS
No one has loved New Mexico since Lighnin' Hopkins. NO ONE.
48. BY THE TIME I GET TO ARIZONA — PUBLIC ENEMY
Maybe next year I'll be nice, Arizona. Although, you gotta admit, it's a great song.
49. ANCHORAGE — MICHELLE SHOCKED
In this drunken state (appropriately, I come to Alaska), I feel like the only person amongst my circle of friends that didn't have a Michelle Shocked album. I don't know if that's even remotely true, but it feels true. Now I have one song.
50. THEME FROM HAWAII FIVE-O — MORTON STEVENS
A reliable source tells me this is the state song of Hawaii. Morton Stevens is from Newark, New Jersey. Look how small the world is all of a sudden!
THAT'S IT, AMERICA! YOU GOT ME DRUNK AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME AND I WENT DOWN ON ALL YOUR FIFTY STATES! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAVE A PINCH TO GROW AN INCH!
Here's a candle for each of your 50 states. Districts, Protectorates, Embassadorial Properties, Military Bases, Prisons, Territories and Occupied Lands do not count. The songs are listed in their state's order of entry into the union.
1. DELAWARE — PERRY CUOMO
What did Delaware? She wore a brand New Jersey. Why did California? She called to say Hawaii. This song is like a mission statement. Thanks, Delaware, for having no other distinguishing features worth singing about!
2. PENNSYLVANIA 6-5000 — THE ANDREWS SISTERS
The album art you get on itunes for The Andrews Sisters' Greatest Hits of the 20th Century album is three flames in the shape of women dancing. They also have the sexiest harmonies ever put to record. Pennsylvania, you don't deserve so good. But I can't quit you.
3. I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU — BON JOVI
As Sean Connery said, "They named the album New Jersey."
4. GEORGIA ON MY MIND — RAY CHARLES
No one can deny this choice, even those who say it's too obvious.
5. TIME TO PRETEND — MGMT
Well, they're from Connecticut. Also, this song is all about how these guys know they're cunts from Connecticut. Also, it's quite enjoyable. And, hey, Georgia on Mind! Right?
6. MORE THAN A FEELING — BOSTON
Do the classic rock stations still do "Top 500 Songs to Keep Your Dad Happy" marathons? Are there still classic rock stations?
7. HOLD ME! SQUEEZE ME! — THE ORIOLES
They invented Doo Wop, apparently. They are named after Maryland's state bird. This song is fun.
8. LIVING IN AMERICA — JAMES BROWN
I almost made Virgina's entry "James Brown is Dead." But this song is awesome, is a 4th of July staple, and it's the theme song to Rocky IV. This song will break you.
9. NEW HAMPSHIRE — SONIC YOUTH
I wish Sonic Nurse wasn't SY's 800-millionth album, because I bet I would listen to it more. Um... they made a song called New Hampshire. You're welcome.
10. VIRGINIA PLAIN — ROXY MUSIC
You can't not like this song. I love this song.
11. FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK — THE POGUES
Disclaimer: I heard this song was banned by the BBC because it contains one of the most offensive words ever — faggart. Also, this is really a Christmas song, I guess. I don't care about either issue.
12. JESSE DON'T LIKE IT — LOUDON WAINWRIGHT III
I decided against SY's Chapel Hill to avoid to much repetition. I thought I had a song called "Piss Christ," but I guess I don't. This song is about North Carolina's favorite son. And the 80s just took another step toward death.
13. 13 MONSTERS — LIGHTNING BOLT
How fucking appropriate is that. Brian Chippendale's band from RID's FORT THUNDER.
14. MOONLIGHT ON VERMONT — CAPTAIN BEEFHEART
Uh... it has Vermont in the title! I don't know. I don't even like Captain Beefheart that much. But it's Vermont. What're you gonna do?
15. KENTUCKY COCKTAIL — PAVEMENT
I own three songs with Kentucky in the title. This one is by Pavement. It wins.
16. RING OF FIRE — JOHNNY CASH
I had to pick a Cash song for Tennessee. I picked this one.
17. HERE TO GO — DEVO
I thought about giving this slot to Modest Mouse's Ohio. I really did. But DEVO! I also considered using Freedom of Choice for the obviousness of it, but Here to Go is my favorite Devo song. And they're all about America.
18. WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN — LOUIS ARMSTRONG
Yup.
19. DON'T STOP TILL YOU GET ENOUGH — MICHAEL JACKSON
Did you know Michael Jackson was from Gary, Indiana? Man, that doesn't even sound close to correct.
20. MISSISSIPPI QUEEN — MOUNTAIN
Duh-nuh-nuh-NUH! Duh-nuh-nuh-NUH!
21. WE DON'T CARE — KANYE WEST
You know, this is still my favorite Kanye song. So there.
22. SWEET HOME ALABAMA — LYNARD SKYNARD
I debated using Neil Young's far superior Alabama that sparked this song. But then I said, "FUCK CANADA!" And then the dogs downstairs started barking. They must be Canadian dogs. Do they make dogs in Canada? Stupid terrorists.
23. SWEET AUGUSTA DARLIN' — VINCE GILL
I really hope Gill is singing about a girl from Augusta, 'cause this one's for Maine!
24. ST. LOUIS BLUES — EARTHA KITT
I own three versions of this song I probably couldn't identify in a Special Olympics round of Wheel of Fortune. I picked the one sang by Catwoman. THE Catwoman.
25. MARY QUEEN OF ARKANSAS — BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
New Jersey, New York, Nebraska, Arkansas — he's like a one-man Texarkana...esee.
26. SIR DUKE — STEVIE WONDER
Motherfinger, I love this song. Michigan!
27. SWEET DREAMS — MARILYN MANSON
When I started making this list, Modest Mouse's Florida occupied the Florida spot. Then I remembered that Marilyn Manson is from Florida. I love this cover and I don't care what you think, pops!
28. LUCKENBACH, TEXAS (BACK TO THE BASICS OF LOVE) — WAYLON JENNINGS & WILLIE NELSON
I had a rule that I wouldn't repeat any musicians on this list. Then Willie Nelson broke that rule. Twice. But this is really a Waylon Jennings song, right?
29. (515) — SLIPKNOT
I have a bunch of Slipknot albums back from when I was feeling old and trying to get into what the kids were all into. This is the shortest song on an album called Iowa. There really weren't a lot of choices outside of this album. Iowa, wow.
30. ADD-IT-UP — VIOLENT FEMMES
Hey, Iowa! Wisconsin made you look bad 24 years ago! Come on! Make some sweet corn-husk music or something!
31. CALIFORNIA LOVE — DR. DRE & 2PAC
You know, sometimes I forget Dr. Dre is a fuckin' California state treasure. He calls his state untouchable like Elliot Ness. Then he makes rhymes about Liberace AND Sassoon jeans. This is all while outshining one of the greatest MCs ever. They should build a gold statue of Dre holding a key to California in the City of Compton.
32. SEXY M.F. — PRINCE
This wasn't my favorite Prince song until it provided the soundtrack for a stay in Florida. Now it will represent Minnesota.
33. LITTLE BABIES — SLEATER-KINNEY
I always forget the title of this song, but I love it. Oregon!
34. CARRY ON WAYWARD SON — KANSAS
The song that got me thinking I could make a list with one song representing each state. I was stretching the idea even before i had it!
35. THIRTY FIVE — KARMA TO BURN
This is a post-metal band from West Virginia. I never heard of them before tonight. They're interesting. It actually sounds exactly like what Appalachian Post Metal would sound like. Hillbilly Instrumental Metal. I chose this song entirely because it was titled Thirty Five.
36. PRETTY VEGAS — INXS
I voted for this guy online after hearing this song. I never thought I would vote online for a replacement for Michael Hutchence cast from a reality tv show. There are so many things wrong with that statement, I don't even know where to begin.
37. FLAMES OVER NEBRASKA — PERE UBU
I was trying really hard not to use the same musicians twice. Really hard. Still, this is a pretty good Pere Ubu song.
38. DENVER — WILLIE NELSON
And then I threw the baby out to get at that good bathwater. This song is 53 seconds long. Willie Nelson was like the Napalm Death of Outlaw Country.
39. NORTH DAKOTA — LYLE LOVETT
I actually think of Lyle Lovett first as an bit actor, then as Cindy Crawford's husband and THEN as a singer. This is the first of his songs I've ever owned.
40. RAPID CITY, SOUTH DAKOTA — KINKY FRIEDMAN
This is from a recorded live set that was banned from tv in the seventies. I guess i need to learn more about Kinky Friedman.
41. MEDLEY: BLUE ROCK MONTANA/RED-HEADED STRANGER — WILLIE NELSON
I like Willie a lot, but I wouldn't have broken the rules if Colorado and Montana could get some state music. Just make a song about mountains and call it Denver Tits or write an ode to ranching and call it Capital of Montana. See? This is easy.
42. ABOUT A GIRL — NIRVANA
Or, you ncould make music and just BE from the damn state.
43. PRIVATE IDAHO — B-52s
OH! Or you could get the B-52s to make a song about your state. I'm sure they like money. I could've used Built to Spill here as well.
44. SONG OF WYOMING — JOHN DENVER
I wanted to use Denver for New Mexico (he was born IN ROSWELL!!!!), but Wyoming needed him more.
45. SALT LAKE CITY — THE BEACH BOYS
The Beach Boys were responsible for some of the best songs ever. They also wrote a song about Disneyland. And a song about Salt Lake City, Utah.
46. PSYCHIATRIC EXPLORATIONS OF THE FETUS WITH NEEDLES — FLAMING LIPS
Oklahoma! Sooners! Okies! If there's an awesome hell down below, at least three of you are all gonna go!
47. SANTA FE — LIGHTNIN' HOPKINS
No one has loved New Mexico since Lighnin' Hopkins. NO ONE.
48. BY THE TIME I GET TO ARIZONA — PUBLIC ENEMY
Maybe next year I'll be nice, Arizona. Although, you gotta admit, it's a great song.
49. ANCHORAGE — MICHELLE SHOCKED
In this drunken state (appropriately, I come to Alaska), I feel like the only person amongst my circle of friends that didn't have a Michelle Shocked album. I don't know if that's even remotely true, but it feels true. Now I have one song.
50. THEME FROM HAWAII FIVE-O — MORTON STEVENS
A reliable source tells me this is the state song of Hawaii. Morton Stevens is from Newark, New Jersey. Look how small the world is all of a sudden!
THAT'S IT, AMERICA! YOU GOT ME DRUNK AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME AND I WENT DOWN ON ALL YOUR FIFTY STATES! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAVE A PINCH TO GROW AN INCH!
Labels: arnim zola, july fourth
posted by Justin Fox at Thursday, July 02, 2009
0 comments
